re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilyəns/
noun
1.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Today marks the 30th anniversary of my Dad’s death. 30 years.
30 years without his presence in my life.
30 years without.
No hugs.
No I’m proud of yous.
No answers and advice.
30 years of not hearing my Dad say, “I love you.”
30 years without dad jokes… and his were actually pretty funny.
I could tell you about a certain Shop-Vac joke, but it’s rated PG and I wouldn’t want to offend. But 30 years later, I still laugh whenever I think of that moment.
Today I sat in a conference on childhood trauma and resilience. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (take a minute to watch her TED Talk) believes it is our nation’s biggest health crisis. It is the root of most diseases and dysfunction. And, I agree with her. I see it every day in my classroom, and I lived it with my own children. The negative effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences and toxic stress are vast and can be devastating.
Can be.
My brother recently sent me a card that my grandfather gave to my dad on his wedding day. My grandfather’s words were a reminder that my dad had his own set of Adverse Childhood Experiences. He lost his mom at a very early age to cancer. He was raised by, what I considered, a cold stepmother and a demanding father who didn’t give much love or affection.
I sat in that conference today and thought about how I won the parent lottery. I have an ACE score of 0. My parents were not perfect, but I was raised in a loving, stable home with parents that supported me, disciplined me in love, (except for the bathtub incident when my mom hit me with a yardstick. I now believe she was in menopause and I totally understand her actions.) and provided me with every opportunity to succeed.
I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before, but today it became clear to me that my dad left my boys and me a legacy of resilience.
He had a high ACE score, and so do my sons.
But they each have, and had, an incredible amount of resilience.
I was reminded again today that children who have experienced trauma don’t have to be defined by their adversity. If one stable, caring adult can step into their lives, show them their strengths, believe in them, build a relationship with them, and be a buffer to their trauma, they too can build resilience.
I want to be that one person.
After all, my Dad showed me how.
